Dear Rules of Grammar

Dear Rules of Grammar,

On behalf of all English speaking people, I would first and foremost like to thank you for your many years of service. The English language would not have become what it is today without your guidance through the early years. And just think of how many great jams from School House Rock we’d be missing out on if not for you! So thank you, sincerely, for all you’ve done for us.

That being said: I’m sorry to say, but I think it’s time to talk about retirement. Not all of you, of course, I’m not looking to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. But . . . that bathwater does need to go. It’s gross, I think the baby may have shit in it, and it’s just not getting anything clean anymore. If anything it’s causing more of a mess and frustrating everyone. So, we’ve got to clean house and unfortunately, that means some layoffs.

It’s time for some of you to go. Split infinitives, for example, are something that I happen to really like. They aren’t hurting anyone. And ending sentences with prepositions. That’s just a silly thing to not do. Who is that rule for? Who is it helping? You and I both know that that rule only exists because some a-holes centuries ago wanted to align the rules of English with the rules of Latin. As if Latin were some special, magical language. Well guess what? Latin is dead! And English doesn’t even come from Latin! It’s a dumb rule, you know it, I know it and there isn’t a single reason why it shouldn’t be retired along with all the other Latin inspired rules. Also, things like not starting sentences with “And” or “Because.” And, honestly, can we stop pretending that there are any rules for commas? Because, as far as I can tell, no one knows anyway and we’re all just, kind of, making it up as we go along. Other than the Oxford comma, of course, which I think we actually need to start enforcing much more stringently.

Look, languages evolve. It’s good and natural that they do — it’s what keeps them from dying off like Latin. The whole point of grammar is to help guide people to effectively communicate. But here’s the thing: as long as the reader or listener understands what the writer or speaker is saying it’s all good! There is not such thing as “bad English” there is only good communication and poor communication. And a split infinitive, run on sentence, fragment, or a sentence that ends with a preposition can still be found in good communication. Not to sound ageist, but a lot of your rules are outdated and don’t reflect the way English functions anymore. And frankly, they come off as elitist. We’re never going to have an equitable world if we’re taught to judge people for not obeying rules that were arbitrarily imposed on our language hundreds of years ago and no longer reflect the way most people in most contexts actually communicate.

So, let’s get rid of the rigid relics and let the language evolve naturally. As we develop more and more ways to communicate, English is evolving faster than ever. btw imho it’s a good thing. Hell, we can have entire conversations using emoji and/or gifs! What a time to be alive! I know it may hurt to hear that you’re no longer needed but, I’ve gotta tell you: we’re ready to see you go.

And hey, if we clear away some of you we can dedicate more time to helping people understand what pronouns are. Can you believe how many people just actually don’t know what pronouns are? We just elected someone to the highest office in the country who says “I don’t have pronouns.” This is the real problem and it’s something that we can fix if our focus isn’t scattered in so many directions.

Again, thank you for your service. You will be missed by a handful of grumpy English teachers but just like how ‘s’ used to look like ‘f’ we’ll learn to move on.

Sincerely,

DF

P.S. What the fuck is a gerund anyway?